Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize