you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
