I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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