got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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