I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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