they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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