for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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