According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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