Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
