Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
