Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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