I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize