my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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