Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
