I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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