So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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