Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Houston, we have a squirter
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
