yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
