is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
as a side note pls kill me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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