mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
