Taylor Swift is so right about you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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