god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
