My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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