Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
