it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
