apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
