Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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