I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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