as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
