I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
