My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
