I can't watch pbs sober anymore
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
