bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
