I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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