i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
God, I missed his penis.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
