Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
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