well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
