the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
