I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
