Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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