Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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