Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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