just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
