all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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