called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
