I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
