Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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