Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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