I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
