it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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