I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
