I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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