i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
