Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
