In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
