Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
