oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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