now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize