You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
