I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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