there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
