Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
