my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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