alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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