i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
