my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize