My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
