He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
